Bajingo club
by FluffyGlitterPantsDragon
Summary: Carla takes her cousin, Dan, on his and Lucifer's offer to have her party at Lux. Shenanigans and singing ensue. Set somewhere in mid-season-3. Does this even need an AU tag?


***Note - this is Part two of the Scrubs/Lucifer Crossover***

1- Pudding Cousins

2- Bajingo Club

3- Lucifer, Interrupted

4- Sanguine Heart

"Dan-dy!" Carla tackled Dan without warning, throwing her arms around him. Lucifer didn't even give him a heads up, the bastard. Well, he'd gotten used to small women randomly hugging him.

She'd bounced into the club wearing a red strappy dress with a swirling lace overlay that ended at her knees. Flashing chocolate hair pulled back with a red carnation but otherwise loose around her shoulders in curls. She added a peck on his cheek that probably left a dab of dark ruby lipstick.

Lux hadn't geared up, not yet open for the evening, so the clear floor echoed with her giggles. Dan convinced his favorite cousin to swing by early before her party and spend a little catch-up time. She needed no persuading whatsoever.

He already regretted it.

Lucifer leaned on his bar with raised eyebrows. "Dandy? I'm keeping that one. Carla, my dear, you must know you're wearing my favorite color."

Carla bunny-hopped in place, hugging Dan, eyeing Lucifer but not releasing her cousin. "It's so good to see you again. We're going to miss you at the wedding. And of course, your dark and mysterious plus one, who I'm sure you'd be bringing otherwise…" She peeked over his shoulder, "You must introduce me to your handsome devil." She stuck out her hand from around Dan.

"He's not-"

Lucifer came out from the bar, slipping one arm around Dan's waist and pecking him on the cheek. Carla finally let go with a shark grin. "Don't be rude, Daniel. Hello, not-yet- _Mrs_. Carla Espinoza, welcome to my place of business. Your cousin can be quite shy in public but it's not his fault. He's a Detective, you know." He offered his hand, palm up.

"Pleasure to finally make your acquaintance, Mr. Morningstar. Dan has told me _nothing_ about you!"

Grinning slyly, she let him take hers, shooting another side glance at Dan, making a 'wow' face. "You must fill in some blanks for me, since he hasn't. You've been the talk of the hospital since the call."

Dan rolled his eyes, reflecting that Lucifer certainly earns his reputation. The Devil wore his usual brand of attire, a slate grey three-piece and dove grey button-up with a red pocket square. He cut a striking figure in a suit, with an aura to match.

Energy flowed around his physical form in a palpable presence. Lucifer turned up the seduction factor, kissing the back of her hand and looking down into her eyes.

Dan pulled away. "Oh no, don't-"

Lucifer tugged her palm ever so slightly, bringing her closer in. "The pleasure is all mine. So, lovely miss Carla, you're about to tie the knot, in _holy_ matrimony. Is there anything I can do to make your evening here the best of your life?"

She held her other hand over her face, hiding her smile, and blush. "Mmm, well, you must tell me how you two met."

His face lit up. "Oh, you're a complicated one aren't you? Carla, dear, that will happen, we have all night to chat. I'm your very gracious host tonight, and I am at your personal beck and call. So, what can I do for the Detective's favorite and doubtless most beautiful cousin?"

Her black eyes latched on to his, unwavering. "I just want to forget that work exists for one night." Carla broke eye contact and blinked. "What did I just say?"

The front door opened. Dan caught some movement but it should have been Carla's blond friend.

Patting her arm, he glared at Lucifer. "Nothing, cuz, Lucifer just wants to make sure you have a good time. He likes to be thorough."

A shiny-headed black man in green scrubs and his companion in blue rounded the stairs. "Oh hell, no. Baby, you did _not_ tell me your cousin's boytoy was this hot."

"Guys? Did you follow me?" Her voices pitched up. "You know what? Hang on a second, my new sexy good friend and I are talking." Carla gave Lucifer's hand a squeeze and hung on to it. She turned back to him with a bright smile.

"You can start me off with a stiff drink and if you stay this nice to me, I _might_ just let you sweet talk me all night long. Luci, this is my fiancé and his dorky best friend, JD from work. And they're NOT staying, right boys? Since they're probably ducking their shifts and leaving poor Dr. Cox short-handed."

Turk shuffled. "J.D. just wanted to make sure you didn't get lost. Cox is fine, he's harassing interns."

The referenced work buddy corrected him, "Actually, I just wanted to see if you looked like the Devil."

Turk cocked his head. "You do."

Lucifer raked them with his eyes, unimpressed. "You're certainly not staying. Not dressed like that. Scrubs are well and good in a hospital, but here I have a dress code."

J.D. grumbled, "Well, scrubs are our dress code."

Carla waved Dan over. "Guys, this is Dan. Cousin Dan, you can officially meet Turk and John Dorian, but he goes by J.D.."

"Hey, it's nice to finally meet you in person. Carla has nothing but good things to say about you, and your hospital."

J.D. smiled slightly. "Hope to see you there sometime. For a visit. Not because you have to." He paused. "Or for murder victims. Or dying relatives."

Turk patted him with a bit of force. "No one wants to be in the ICU, we know. Hi, Dan. Hi, not-at-all-intimidating Devil dude."

Dan shook hands, "Don't sweat it, no one ever wants to voluntarily be in a police station either. Or otherwise. Lucifer has livened the place up at least. Wouldn't be the same without him."

Indicated Devil smiled brightly at Dan. Stepping forward, took their hands, one at a time. "John Michael Dorian. Rather heavily isn't it?"

"How do you know my middle name?"

"And Chris. Is dear John participating in your and Carla's ceremony? I'm sensing a deep connection betwixt the two of you."

The friends looked at each other. J.D. rested his elbow on Turk's shoulder. "You know, Lucy, we do have a very deep and personal connection. And there's nothing weird about that." To Turk, "Hey I got to call someone else a girls' name."

Lucifer was not amused. "Neither of you are on my 'humans allowed to use nicknames' list."

J.D. crossed his arms. "You aren't as scary as you think you are."

Dan choked.

Lucifer smiled with his teeth. "Oh?"

"My residency director and mentor is way, way scarier, and his name isn't even anything Devil related."

Turk added, "And his ex is equally terrifying."

"Don't feed her after midnight. Now that I think about it, Janitor is pretty scary too."

Carla rolled her eyes. "Don't argue with my new friend. You both know deep down that Dr. Cox is a sweet fluffy puppy."

J.D. frowned. "Rowdy is nicer, and he's dead."

Lucifer looked at Dan, who shrugged helplessly.

Carla took Lucifer's arm. "you know, I'm a little put out my favorite cousin got to you first. I could have given him a run for his money."

Dan carefully grinned to himself. She liked to play her game. And she didn't like being left out of a conversation.

Her fiancé pouted. "Baby, you know I'm the one with the skill set you want."

Walking over, she kissed Turk on the cheek. "You're so cute when you're jealous, sweetie. You're just as handsome as he is."

"I'm so not jealous. And I look good in a suit too."

"Of course you do, baby."

Lucifer was nothing if not on top of a cue, painting on a wicked grin and turning the charm back on. He tsk'd. "And me here already taken and entirely faithful. Of course, I'm nothing if not known for enticing temptations in any number of humans. I'm afraid I'll have to do my best to restrain myself around her."

Carla, to her credit, didn't break. "What a generous man, risking shattering the love and care of my cousin just to take care of me tonight. Isn't that sweet?"

"That is not funny."

Lucifer, hands in pockets, moved in on him. "I assure you my staff and I will personally take very _good_ care of your stunningly beautiful, not yet married affianced tonight. Her every desire will be met to the best of my copious abilities. No need to worry."

Dan struggled to keep a straight face.

"See, he's such a thoughtful man, honey." She draped an arm around Lucifer's waist, tilting close.

Lucifer made no move to step away. "I'll say one thing for your surgeon, darling, he has impeccable taste."

J.D. straightened up. "Yeah? Well, if you ever need a surgeon, Turk will take care of you. And by take care of you-"

Carla pulled away, dress and hips swaying with her walk. She put a consoling hand on his shoulder. "He gets it, Bambi. I'm sure Luci has nothing but good intentions."

The Devil nodded gamely. "Oh, yes. Road to Hell and all that."

Dan asked, "'Bambi'? Like the deer?"

She nodded. "He was so fresh and cute and young when I met him. It's amazing he didn't accidentally kill anyone."

A dark woman came out from the back, heading behind the bar. "Who didn't kill anyone?" She said it like it was a problem to be fixed.

Turk and JD as a unit looked over at the bartender, freezing like, well, deer in headlights.

Carla rolled her eyes. "Give them a second."

The bar woman in tight black leather nodded to J.D., lazily touching the silver clasp on her fitted top. "You could see my boobs better if I stripped."

J.D., Faintly, "That would be nice."

She dropped her hand. "Too bad. I don't show off for wildlife."

Carla tapped Turk's chest until his eyes refocused on her. "You're going to have to tell me where your brain went with that, later."

J.D. blinked, his eyes away in the distance. "Sexy vampire deer."

Turk nodded sagely. "Thumper never had a chance."

"I said 'later', Bambi." To Lucifer; "Don't ask, please. Believe me when I tell you they have redeeming qualities."

Lucifer raised his eyebrows. "I'll take your word for it, then."

"A sexy Devil and a man who listens?" Carla made eyes at Dan. "How is this even possible? You were such a dork when we were kids."

Lucifer gestured, "Daniel here is still a dork, trust me."

She smirked. "You know it's just 'Dan', right?"

"I like to think of him as my own personal repeat visitor in my lions' den."

Small footsteps pounded into the room. Pigtails flying, a little girl barreled into her. "Carla!" Trixie tackled her around the waist, gripping her tight.

"Trixie! How are you, sweetheart? You're so tall!"

Chloe jogged up. "Hi guys! Sorry, she got away from me. We're swinging by to say hi, and then I'm dropping her off at home with a sitter." She slipped in and gave Lucifer a hug. "Carla, I don't think I've actually seen you since-" Her face fell.

"Your and Dan's wedding. It was beautiful. But things change and Trixie loves you both." She squeezed Chloe's arm. "You guys still work together. The fact that you still have a great relationship is amazing. So many divorcees have such a dysfunctional relationship and their kids get caught in the middle. Dan and I still catch up and he sends me photos of your beautiful daughter."

"I hope you're doing well, Carla. Thank you. You should text me and we can spend some family time together? Trixie would love to really catch up."

Carla unwound herself from her niece. " _cómo estás?"_

 _"realmente bueno."_

She crouched to hug Trixie tightly. "I'm so happy I get to see you honey. How are you? JD, Turk, this is Trixie, my niece. Chloe is her mom and Dan's ex-wife."

Trixie waved at everyone, hugging in turn. "Good! _I quiero verte otra vez!_ _¡Lucifer trabaja con mamá y papá!"_

Carla: "¡He oído! ¡Y él es muy guapo! Sin embargo, esos muchachos realmente no entienden español." (I heard! And he's very handsome! Those guys don't really understand Spanish though.)

Lucifer smiled. " _Gracias por darte cuenta, Carla."_

Carla " _Puedo decir lo bien que te ves en español y Turk no lo entenderá. Es divertido meterse con él." (_ I can say how nice you look in Spanish and Turk won't understand. It's fun to mess with him.) Trixie, are you doing well in school?"

Turk stiffened. "I heard my name."

Trixie "I wanna see pictures of the wedding, okay?"

Carla grinned and stood up, holding Trixie's hand. "We'll see you again soon right? Maybe all of us for dinner? If we can get Dan and Chloe at the same table?" She smiled. "I have to say, my flawless gaydar never even pinged around Dan. You must be a very special man, Luci."

Chloe's eyebrows went up.

"Close, I'm a very special-"

Dan put a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, do you want a tour? Lucifer had your section decked out. It took some convincing, he doesn't usually allow bachelorette parties. Girls get insane here, sometimes."

Carla tucked some loose hair back. "Oh, I'm sure that won't happen. Can we hang back for Elliot? She's parking. She probably went around the block to find something cheaper than valet."

Trixie hugged everyone in turn, even Lucifer who made a half-hearted attempt to avoid it. Chloe took Trixie's hand, the shorter one waving at everyone. "I'll be back in a bit."

A shorter blond woman passed Chloe in the doorway, running up and stopping dead. "Holy smokin hot men. Carla, which one of these fine subjects are your cousin?" She clicked over the wood flooring in black heels, a short black skirt and lace trimmed strappy red top with minimal jewelry. A matching flower in her straight hair rested in the same place as Carla's. Her mascara skills rivaled Lucifer's.

Carla nodded, tugging at her hair like a lifeline. "Yup."

"The Spanish one right?"

Dan chewed his lip. _Really?_

"Are you both Hispanic? Cousins?"

Carla leaned into Dan. "Remember what I said before? Elliot, honey, This is my cousin Dan, who is taken, and his boyfriend Lucifer, who is also taken. With each other, just in case that wasn't clear, okay, sweetie?"

Lucifer didn't repress a smirk.

Elliot pursed her lips. "Is Lucifer a Hispanic name? I mean, Jesus is, right? That's weird."

Carla lowered her tone and spoke slowly. "Elliot, Lucifer is the very nice, very handsome man who is throwing my party for us. Because he's very nice. And it's not 'Jesus' in Spanish, it's 'Hey-suse.' Which you really should know by now."

Lucifer, tensed, vaguely alarmed, looking at Dan, who shrugged again. He really didn't have a lot of helpful information outside of Carla herself. Turk muttered, "He's not _that_ handsome."

J.D. leaned into his friend. "He kinda is."

Carla cleared her throat. "Luci, Elliot is my best friend and she's a frazzled doctor. Actually, most of the people here right now are frazzled doctors. They don't get out that much, and it makes them a little skittish. Like sleep-deprived caffeinated bunnies."

Dan's look of alarm began to match Lucifers.

Elliot glared at the scrub-wearers. "Are you guys cutting work?"

Lucifer stepped up. "Er, my dear. Would you care for a drink?" He looked over his shoulder. "Maze?

Elliot blinked, things falling into place. "Oh! Hah! 'Lucifer', like, the Devil for real?"

Said Devil nodded. "Indeed, 'for real'. Hell gets monotonous after several thousand years. I'm retired as overseer of the underworld, making a new life up here among Dad's favorite creations."

Something nearly audible clicked in her brain. "Talk about an identity crisis. Can I come back and write a medical paper on you? It sounds really interesting, actually. I could do you at the hospital. And by do you- Wait, Oh, my God. Carla, does Laverne know about him?"

"I convinced her that she misheard the conversation over the phone. I realize that after tonight, no one here will keep their mouths shut about the Devil throwing my party, but I can keep my fingers crossed for at least until after the wedding, right?"

She looked over at her attempted party crashers. "Right?"

J.D. rested his hands on hips. "So, when you say 'Devil', is that like a childhood trauma thing?"

He spread his arms, gesturing at himself. "Literal Devil. Taking a break, generally enjoying the tasty fruits of humanity. No childhood misadventures. Not like you're thinking."

"I like fruit."

He had a wicked grin. "As do I, In all forms."

"Do you mean-"

Turk, "I think he knows what he means." To Lucifer, "Do you know Jordan? 'Cause I feel like you and her have a lot in common."

Carla poked him. "If I have to tell you guys to be nice again, you're leaving now instead of when I decide my party gets started. Elliot, you are not allowed to try and cure him of being the Devil. I like him this way."

Lucifer smiled, bowing slightly. "What's not to like?"

The blonde crossed her arms, squeezing her boobs together. Under her breath, "I'd like to like him."

"What was that?"

"I'd like to know, uhm if you have horns?"

"Do you see any? No tail either."

Turk made a crossing sign. Lucifer regarded him placidly.

Carla patted her husband-to-be. "Okay, guys, you should get going, for real. My night is getting started. Please don't give Laverne a heart attack tonight? Okay?"

"I'll just walk you two interlopers out, shall I?" Lucifer moved between the two, an arm draped over either shoulder, shepherding them along. "Cousin Carla says you do good work over there. Is that right?"

JD volunteered. "We do try to prevent patients from getting to an afterlife. Do you work out? You seem like you take good care of yourself, coming from Hell and all."

"You understand that neglecting your duties as doctors can be just as damning a sin as murder? It's rare, but we do get our fair share of burnt out medical staff down in Hell."

"Who the what?"

"They gave up, let themselves be overwhelmed, stopped keeping their patients best interests at heart. Their passion and dedication to the healing arts tumbles through threadbare cracks. Might as well have slipped a knife in their ribs themselves. And I don't mean surgically."

Turk and JD raised eyebrows at each other.

"The road to hell really is paved with good intentions that fall astray. Carla seems rather nice, and fond of you two. I'd prefer you not end up on that cobblestone path."

J.D. shrugged away from Lucifer. "Don't you, uhm, _want_ more people in hell?"

"Gracious, no. Tormenting the ones we already have is a round' the clock job. Why do you think I'm taking a break?"

He patted Turk toward the door, then surprised J.D. by taking his chin in hand.

Only slightly shorter than Lucifer, his blue eyes were nearly level with deep dark brown. He squeaked. "Bad touch."

Lucifer allowed a bare rim of red to float into his eyes, out of line of sight of his friend. "You seem like a nice, if confused, fellow. What is it you're really looking for in life?"

He blinked quickly. "To get through a day without being afraid I've disappointed or killed someone."

"Not complicated, but interesting." He drew his gaze to Turk.

"Nope. Time to go." He dragged his friend out by the wrist with a firm grip.

Lucifer watched them go, chuckling to himself and returned to the party group. Elliot waved cheerfully. Dan raised his eyebrows in a question. The Devil waved him off and signaled Maze for shots.

Elliot eagerly downed hers, instantly relaxing. She turned the empty shot glass upside down on the bar, blue eyes sparkling. "Wooo! Free booze! It is free, right?"

Lucifer caught Carla's eye. "She is old enough to legally drink, correct? I may not respect all of man's laws but I have no desire to pay fines."

Carla inhaled. "Yes. She's an actual doctor, and bless her heart, old enough to drink. Bless all of their little hearts, they actually are good doctors. They just need a break once in a while. I half-expected the boys to crash the party anyway, I should have warned you."

Dan crossed his arms. "This is more for them than you, isn't it?"

She half-shrugged. "Kinda?"

Lucifer squinted. "Oh, that won't do at all. This is your night, my dear."

Elliot hugged her friend, "That's what I've been telling her!"

He carefully touched Elliot's shoulder, getting her attention. She looked up from Carla. The black haired club owner had a good half a foot over the blonde. She didn't look intimidated in the least. "You are officially her wrangler for the evening, so just let Maze know if you need anything. Can you do that?"

"You bet, Satan. Can I call you Satan?"

"I prefer 'Lucifer.'"

Dan coughed. "When do the other girls show up again?"

Carla perked up. "Your friends are coming?"

Lucifer nodded. "Daniel recommended against it, but I insisted after I found out your entire party consisted only of a few co-workers."

"It's hard to be friends with your colleagues, especially bosses or people I'm in charge of. The surgeon staff is a sausage fest, and some of the interns will be bounced out in a month because they can't hack it."

Dan groaned. "So he invited all of _my_ coworkers. Including the ex. You met Ella on the phone."

"Now, Detective, we're on much better terms these days with Chloe, aren't we?"

Dan shrugged.

"Suit yourself. Come officially meet Maze. She doesn't usually tend for me since she quit, but I asked her to be your hostess tonight. She and Chloe are roommates."

Carla and Elliot perched up on bar stools, the latter looking around at the lights and piano like she'd never been in a nice club before in her life.

Carla smiled at the leather-clad woman with the fierce ponytail behind the bar. "Hi, Maze, is it? I'm Carla. I just want you to know that even though your boss is providing a nice evening and drinks, I'm going to make sure that you and your staff are well-tipped."

Elliot turned to stare openly at Lucifer's figure, who said something to Dan in low tones.

Carla added, "Very well-tipped Since I'm not paying for the drinks tonight, I'll do my best to make up for it in gratitude. Please let me know if any of my girls get out of hand and I'll make their work lives a living hell."

Maze nodded. "I like you already. Consider all _your_ drinks tonight top-shelf."

Under her hand, she whispered."Honestly, you can just haul out the cheap wine for Elliot, she won't know the difference."

"Noted."

"So you don't tend bar anymore? What do you do now?"

"I'm a bounty hunter."

"Oh. Is that dangerous?"

She shrugged. "Not as much as you might think. It pays the rent, and most of the time, it's pretty fun to haul in bad guys."

"Do you know Dan well?"

"Yeah. I left him naked in his ex-wife's house to try and get them back together. Didn't work."

"Well. He and Lucifer seem happy."

"I liked it better when Lucifer had more partners. He's not as fun these days."

Dan came back and rapped on the bar. "So, Ella, Linda, and Chloe will be here together soon. Charlotte might even drop by."

Lucifer excused himself as the club started to fill up with regular patrons. The girls' assigned VIP table sported decorations of inflated red balloons tied to chairs. The balloons had wording printed on them in reflective white that read "Carla & Co." it would be easy to find later.

Maze brought over drinks, pink wine for Elliot and a margarita on the rocks for Carla.

Carla pulled Dan in by the arm. "So, how did you two meet?"

Elliot perked up. "Yeah, landing that hotness couldn't have been easy."

Dan watched Lucifer walk off. "We could do this later. You have more friends coming, right?"

"I won't be able to hear you later. I'm guessing this place gets crazy, and I want to talk before we have to yell over each other."

Dang. Carla was always the smart one. He sighed. "So, yeah. Chloe met Lucifer after his friend was killed. A police investigation wrapped things up, but not before Chloe got grazed by a bullet. He decided to become our 'Civilian Police Consultant' and he's been working with the LAPD, or at least our precinct, for the last couple of years, but he owns and runs this place too."

"That sounds fun. Is he 'Lucifer' at work too?"

"24/7. He has a talented touch with suspects."

"How long have you been dating?"

He glanced at Elliot, who was watching with rapt attention. "It's a long story."

"What? You're going to make us milk it out of your friends?"

Dan coughed "We're sharing Lucifer."

"He better be worth it."

"He is, actually. He's hard to get to know, but by the time you do, you're kind of stuck with him."

"What kind of mom names their poor kid Lucifer?"

Dan flinched. "Yeah, well, he doesn't seem to mind. He has fun with it."

"I can tell. Are you guys serious?"

Elliot sucked down her wine. "Yeah, are you?"

"Elliot! Be nice, okay? And you're dating Sean."

Her friend blew out her bangs. "Yeah, but it's a bachelorette party. I can have a little fun. And he looks really fun."

Dan felt his face warming up.

"Is he fun?"

"Elliot!"

Dan scratched his neck. "That's. Yeah. No."

"Oh come on. Tell me something."

"He's...unique. He's the Devil, but he's not crazy."

"Are you guys talking about me already?" A new woman broke into the ranks. Tall, brunette and commanding, in a low-cut flowing red blouse. Glossy night-black leggings and heeled boots made up the rest of it. Dan began to sense a pattern.

Carla waved her over. "Jordan! this is my dear cousin, Dan Espinoza. This lovely woman over here is 'Maze'. She's taking care of us tonight. She's a friend of Dan and Chloe."

Lucifer turned back up, about to introduce himself to the newcomer.

Maze and Jordan looked over the bar at each other at equal height. They squinted at the same time. Maze looked her up and down. "Nice rack. Have we met?"

"Maybe. My ex-husband suggested I escaped hell to haunt the earth and personally torment him."

Lucifer, Elliot, and Carla watched between them.

Maze appraised her. "I punished souls in hell itself for millennia."

"Oh, so we have met."

"You seem more like the demoness type than an escaped soul."

Maze slid her a shot of something amber.

Jordan tipped it back without breaking eye contact."You seem like someone I'd want to know in hell."

"I can't decide if you'd be more fun to punish or as an assistant in punishment of someone else."

"Mm. I've never been much of a team player. Much more the self-interest angle. In bed, I prefer to bring the pain."

"Perhaps you ran your own division in hell. It's a big place."

"I like that idea. Be good on my resume. Senior lieutenant to the lead Demoness of Hell. I think I could work a raise out of that."

"What do you do?"

"Generally, I run the men in my life ragged until they beg to do my bidding."

"I wasn't aware that was a paying gig."

"Oh, no, that's what I do for fun." She tapped her lip, as if in thought. "At the hospital, I'm on the board, so- actually yeah, that's what I get paid to do too."

Maze cocked her head. "I find myself happy that I'm not competing with you professionally."

"As a barkeep?"

"Bounty hunter." She nodded at Dan. "My path with the police department sometimes intersect."

"Shitty health insurance, then. I have a kid now, so that's a factor."

Lucifer inserted himself into the conversation. "Jordan, was it? Welcome to my club and Carla's party. I'm Lucifer."

"I think I found my new favorite bar." She licked her lips." Are you free later?"

"I'm off the market if that's what you're asking, but I'm flattered."

"Sweetie, I've been officially off the market for years, but my ex-husband and I have an understanding. And you're damn right you're flattered."

Dan smirked. "Did she just call you 'sweetie?'"

Jordan looked over Dan. "Ah, the boyfriend. Oh well." up, but not far up, "your loss."

With complete sincerity, Lucifer responded, "No doubt about that. Shame you didn't come around a few months ago. You look like you'd be right at home in my penthouse."

Dan rolled his eyes.

"Fine. No sex? I'm going to keep talking to my new friend here. Bye."

Lucifer, bemused, said to no one, "Oh, I like her."

Elliot played with a strap, doe eyes up at him. "What, you just sleep with anyone?"

"Anyone who catches my fancy. Several on a good night. Not my bag anymore."

Carla stared at Dan. "That's a hell of a habit to break. You knew about this?"

"He's not exactly the secret keeping type. So I'd appreciate it if you don't grill him too much."

Eyes down at Elliot, Lucifer smirked. "And, no."

"No?"

"Just because I'm easy doesn't make you my type."

"Frick."

"You seem sweet, I can send some young men by the table later. I think the rest of your companions have shown up, so I'll leave you to it." He leaned to kiss Carla on the cheek. "Don't do anything I wouldn't."

* * *

Ella, throwing arms widespread, grabbed Carla in a hug. "Hello, new friend!"

She broke contact and reached for Jordan.

"No."

Ella's open arms froze in mid-flight and redirected to Elliot. "Aww." She tried for the other one. "Blonde girl? C'mon, two out of three?"

"Sure, why not."

"Eeee!"

Chloe pointed, "Carla, this is Ella, Linda and you met Maze back there. New people, Ella is our nerdy Forensic Scientist, and Dr. Linda is Lucifer's therapist. If Charlotte makes it out, she's one of our defense lawyers." Chloe and Ella both wore versions of red and black club wear.

Carla nodded. "Oh, another doctor? Meet my neurotic best friend, Elliot and that's Jordan. She's also neurotic but in different ways. We all work at the same hospital."

Maze arrived with a tray of drinks and scooted in. "Alright, new humans to torment. Carla, let's start with something fun- how's your guy in the sack?"

"Uhm, hey, what if we start with you guys? Thanks for coming out for the party, no one has even had time to plan hardly anything. Dan and Lucifer were a Godsend, offering to do it, actually." Maze raised her eyebrows. "Linda, have you ever been to our hospital? Sacred Heart? We're a teaching hospital and we have therapists come through regularly. Maybe on consulting work?"

"Oh, sure, probably. I don't know that I've seen you though."

"We're all down in the ICU, so if a patient isn't already in trouble we might not even see them. Jordan gets around, though."

Jordan smirked. "You have no idea how true that is."

"Sadly, yes, I do."

Linda sipped a cosmo. "Well, my private practice takes up the week, but maybe we've seen each other at a conference. Do you have a specialty, Elliot?"

She sucked down a shot. "Well, I'm a resident, so I haven't figured it out quite yet. All I know for sure is it won't be anything that involves bajingos."

The other women blinked. Ella ate a maraschino cherry. "I don't think I know that term."

Carla helped out. "Oh, she means 'vaginas'. No offense, sweetie, but it's probably a good thing Luci wouldn't have sex with you."

"Well, clearly he's totally gay, so my feelings aren't too hurt."

Chloe and Linda coughed simultaneously. Linda fanned herself, "Hoo-boy. He is most definitely not dick exclusive."

Carla played with her margarita. "Both of you?"

Maze raised her hand.

"Damn. Wait, Linda?"

"I'm a good therapist, I just have some weaknesses."

"Well, it's not like it doesn't happen at the hospital, but still. Was Lucifer your client at the time?"

"I am not drunk enough for this conversation. But yes."

Ella pouted. "I've seen him naked."

Chloe turned. "When? You only ever see him at work, don't you? Oh no."

She rolled her eyes. "Lucifer talked about his wings so much that I told him he had to show me his shoulders or stop mentioning them. And to him, that meant taking everything off in my lab. I'm pretty sure he just takes any excuse to get naked."

Linda and Chloe tensed as a unit.

Carla side-eyed her. "Wings?"

Ella giggled. "He takes the Devil thing so seriously. And there's nothing on his shoulders."

"Linda, are you sure he doesn't need more therapists? Maybe that paper you want to do is a good idea, after all, Elliot."

Linda shrugged. "He...actually does better when he can talk openly as 'the Devil'. Not that he always listens to my advice, but he sincerely does make the attempt."

"He's more functional now than before?"

"For Satan, he can get pretty angsty."

"So him and Dan? He really is my favorite cousin. Chloe, if I find out you broke him..."

Chloe grinned. "He's fine. Lucifer has quirks. He is a quirk, but he's open about anything you directly ask him. Never a dull moment. But about you? You must get interesting patients."

Elliot, "Oh sure, but the weird ones are usually just older and eccentric, not rich and sexy."

Jordan reached for another shot. "And the board members who are rich are not sexy. More like old and wrinkly. Fyi, did not sleep with any of those guys. I have some standards."

Carla cackled. "Well, you did have sex with J.D."

"Meh. Four, five minutes of sex, tops. Barely counts. Speaking of tops, Carla and Turk have sex in the hospital on-call room."

Ella, "Oh, when people have sex in the evidence room, I can hear 'em."

Chloe blanched. "What?"

"Oh yeah, I'm super aware of what kind of grunty noises you made with Lucifer yesterday. That room shares a wall with my lab."

"We didn't have sex in the evidence room...yesterday."

"Oh, Dan then, my bad. Does he get squeaky?"

"I do not sound like Dan."

Jordan looked interested. "Oh, I think I missed out on something. Dan has a boyfriend and a girlfriend?"

Chloe fanned herself. "Well, Dan and I don't fool around anymore."

Carla sipped her margarita. "Lucifer isn't why you guys divorced is it?"

"Ha, no." She pinched her lips. "Not to scare you, but working with your spouse can be hazardous to your love life. Dan had a couple of years where he fell of the ball. And maybe I didn't do enough to keep the romance alive either. Stress at work was tough, and we just.." She shook her head. "didn't make time for each other. To answer your question, Lucifer showed up after we'd begun separating. But I don't want to be a downer on your party."

Elliot switched to wine. "So what, did he just 'poof', appear out of nowhere? What did he do before the police thing?"

Chloe took a second to phrase her answer. "Lucifer? Yeah, I guess he kinda just flew in and dropped in on us. He's super secretive about his 'human' past, but not about the present, or his 'Devil' past."

"That kind of relationship has to be hard enough though - you guys work together and he's got that mystery persona?" Elliot cupped both hands around her glass.

"Over the last few years, I guess we just learned to accept it and roll with it. It takes a lot more time to argue with him than let it be."

Carla, "He's been 'Lucifer' for years?"

"Oh, yeah."

"What's that like with therapy?"

Linda inhaled her shot. "Ahem. You know I can't talk about our private sessions."

Chloe was starting to feel her booze. "Oh come on, I knew you guys were sleeping together from the day you met. I had to drag him out of your office before he had his clothes off."

"Well, okay, but that was outside of the session time. So."

Jordan ppfftt'd. "If you kept a clock running on him, it couldn't have been that great."

She side-eyed Chloe. "Oh, uhm. Let's say I, myself, was very satisfied with our, uhm, sessions. Several times."

"Oh, really? So he's not all talk? Granted, I could sit in a room and just listen to him talk." She tilted her head. "If he was naked."

"I cut him off after the unprofessionalism of the situation got to me. I made him start paying in cash instead of sex."

Jordan gave Linda a toothy grin. "Ooooooh, we have some dirty girls at our table. So, Ella, what's your story? Are you in the naughty club at all?"

Ella played with her cross. "Uhm."

Elliot pointed. "How does Lucifer feel about that?"

She paused. "Oh, this? I'm more or less on the side of the Devil getting overly blamed for everything, so it doesn't bother him. But I've never had sex at the police station, so, I'm not in the club?"

"How about a different work?"

"Well, I worked with some of my brothers, so that would be super weird if I had tried to sneak anyone in."

Chloe piped up. "She used to steal cars. I think that counts as naughty."

Carla finished off her drink. "Maze, dear, I think I need a refill, please."

Elliot hopped up. "I'll help."

The rest of the heads peeked over the edge of the booth as the general music turned down and Lucifer took up the piano.

"He _plays too?"_

Chloe grinned. She liked showing him off.

 _"I can't get to sleep_

 _I think about the implications_

 _Of diving in too deep_

 _And possibly the complications"_

Carla smiled. "I love this song. It makes me think of the hospital. Did Turk pick this?" She crossed her arms over the back of the booth, playing with her ring.

 _"Especially at night,_

 _I worry over situations._

 _I know will be alright,_

 _Perhaps it's just imagination."_

The girls came back. Elliot stayed standing, sighed. "How have we never been here before?"

Jordan finished another shot. "No idea, but we're coming back. Anyone else we know getting married?"

 _"Day after day it reappears._

 _Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear._

 _Ghosts appear and fade away._

 _Alone between the sheets,_

 _Only brings exasperation._

 _It's time to walk the streets,_

 _Smell the desperation."_

Linda rested her chin on her hands, watching. "I'll tell you one thing, if we didn't all know Lucifer, I wouldn't make this trip out regularly. The club is great, but the drinks are pricey. No offense, Maze."

 _"_ _At least there's pretty lights._

 _And though there's little variation,_

 _It nullifies the night,_

 _From overkill."_

Carla looked over. "Is 'Maze' short for anything?"

"Mazikeen."

"I like 'Maze'. It's catchy."

 _"Day after day it reappears._

 _Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear._

 _Ghosts appear and fade away,_

 _Come back another day."_

The girls sighed and sat back down. Another tall, thin woman with long flowing blonde hair scooted in next to Linda. "Hello, co-workers. Others."

Chloe brightened. "Hey people, Charlotte made it. Charlotte, this is Carla, Elliot, and Jordan."

"Oh, drinks! Hi, Carla, nice to meet you, and congratulations."

Chloe peered over her shoulder. "Anyone else coming?"

Yet another blonde appeared behind Charlotte. "Hey, sis. What are we celebrating?"

Jordan pointed up at the balloons.

"Oh! Right! Congratulations!" Her voice came out a little scratchy.

"Younger sister, Danni. Pain in the ass. Too much mascara."

"Pfft. You're just jealous of my lack of crow's feet."

"I am not afraid to botox, missy, and you know it."

Charlotte looked at her newly acquired drink. "Oh, where do you get yours done?"

"Not the hospital. I don't trust these guys with needles."

Elliot's face pinched. "Hey."

"Wasn't it your on and off-again boyfriend that got stuck with a hep B needle?"

"He was okay."

"Uh-huh."

Ella cleared her throat. "Hey, Danni, do you work at the hospital too?"

"Nah. Mostly I annoy people."

Jordan nodded. "That's true. Also, she slept with J.D. too. Beyond that, I don't know what her purpose is. I'm pretty sure she doesn't either."

Ella smiled wistfully, "I wish I had a sister. I have five brothers."

Danni claimed a screwdriver. "She's really not wrong. I'll figure my shit out eventually."

"Carla, did you ride the J.D. train too?"

"Oh God, no. I adore him as a friend, and he's a really great doctor, one of our best residents, along with Elliot here. She might look as out of it as Danni, but I've witnessed her saving lives. When she's in the doctor zone, she is _in_."

Elliot lit up. "Aw, thanks, Carla."

"Now I just need to convince her to get _off_ the J.D. train."

"What?"

"Did I say that out loud?"

"Yeah!"

Linda coughed. "It sounds like he gets as much action as Lucifer."

Danni went wide-eyed. "Who?"

Elliot peeked over the booth, looking for him. "Nah, he's had a bunch of girlfriends, but no boyfriends. That's got to double your odds of getting laid. I'm not so much into the bajingos myself."

"Wha-"

Carla picked up the ball. "'Vaginas', Charlotte. Lovely name, by the way."

"Thank you! So, you must be Dan's cousin right? Carla?"

"Pleasure. Thanks for making it out to this insanity."

The lawyer waved her off. "Oh please, I have kids, this is nothing."

Jordan waved her drink stick, "Yeah? I just have the one, with my ex. He's not mobile yet."

Ella asked, "Does your ex have a name?"

"Perry. He's their-" jerking a thumb over at Elliot, "boss."

"Oh, that's got to be a little awkward."

"For someone, probably. Your cousin dating a guy named 'Lucifer' can't possibly be any less awkward. J.D. himself is a walking pile of awkward."

Elliot nodded. "He is. And it's not too weird. Hospital hookups happen all the time. The night-shift lights give the place a romantic glow, and the on-call room door can be locked."

Chloe snorted. "Ever have anyone walk in on you?"

"Ha! Worse. Once, we didn't notice someone else was already there on another bed. They got a show."

Maze, on her third rum-and-coke, asked, "So, have you had many people die under your care?"

Linda gasped. "Maze, you shouldn't ask that."

She shrugged. "No filters, remember?"

Elliot pulled her hair back. "It's okay. Yeah, and it hurts like hell. I haven't caused a death, yet, thank God, but I've had a few near close calls. Sometimes, since it is the ICU, we've had patients come in when it was already too late and it's heartbreaking. We have to distance ourselves emotionally. I learned that in my first year there."

Charlotte looked interested. "Yeah? I was dead once."

Chloe waved. "No, that was that medical coma, remember? You _can't_ have been 'dead' dead."

Carla, "We've done that a few times, the induced coma? It can be a valuable type of treatment. How long were you out?"

"It's weird. I have this gap in my memory. Sometimes I get nightmares about it." She shook herself. "But that's all done, and now I'm back in my life and everything will be fine." She nodded.

Danni grabbed another shot. "One of you have to tell me who the hell 'Lucifer' is."

Said Devil leaned against the booth. "Speak of the me?"

Danni nearly choked on her shot. "And now I have a new goal this evening."

Carla wiped her face. "Save it, Danni, He's dating Dan." She blindly pointed across the table. "And Chloe."

"Aw. Hi, devil man. I'm Jordan's little sister."

He shot a look at Carla. She gestured. "She's old enough to drink, too, don't worry."

"Everyone all right?"

Chloe blew him a kiss from her cramped spot at the table, her cheeks reddening from her drinks. "If you could make some cheese fries happen, that would be awesome."

"Detective! You know I don't serve food here. With good reason."

Ella got excited. "You know who does, that all-night hot dog place a couple blocks away!"

Carla grinned. "I think the booze, and company top a hot dog."

"For now. You haven't been there. Yet."

Chloe's eyes got huge. "Dude. We should go to that karaoke place after this. The one where Maze beat the shit out of half-a-dozen people."

"A dozen." Maze corrected her.

Elliot squealed. "I love karaoke!"

Lucifer looked put out. "I haven't finished my set yet."

Linda reached over Charlotte to smack him on the ass. "Well, get your sweet butt back over there and entertain us!"

"..."

Jordan pulled Linda's drink away. "Okay, sweetie, I think you've had enough."

Chloe patted Linda on the shoulder. "You okay?"

Lucifer smirked. "Well, I did promise you a nice evening."

"Oh no."

Lucifer vanished into the bustling crowd.

Piano keys were pressed.

Linda groaned into her hands. "I'm so sorry."

Carla sat up, looking over the back of the booth again. "Why?"

Lucifer leaned closer to his mic. "Tonight is a very special night. Tonight is a night of celebration. A loved one of a loved one is celebrating her last nights and days as one of the single ladies."

Maze dropped her head to the table. " _Linda."_

"So, in light of that, her friends should come out here and dance for us. Don't you agree?"

The crowd went nuts. Maze cackled under her hand, face to table.

"Let's get all the single ladies out on the floor, shall we?"

A piano-only rendition of "Single Ladies" got rolling.

 _"All the single ladies - Linda!"_

Chloe shoved Linda out of her seat. "Get out there."

 _"All the single ladies - Ella!"_

Ella jumped up, with a "wooooooooo!" and ran out onto the floor.

Danni pulled Carla out. "Move it before he keeps going!"

Carla had tears of laughter standing in her eyes. "I'm safe."

 _"All the single ladies - Jordan!"_

"I AM NOT SINGLE."

 _"All the single ladies - Danni!"_

"Dammit! MOVE!" Danni dragged Jordan out, strong despite her tiny size. "You are gonna dance too!"

 _"Up in the club, just broke up_

 _I'm doing my own little thing_

 _You decided to dip and now you wanna trip_

 _'Cause another brother noticed me_

 _I'm up on him, he up on me_

 _Don't pay him any attention_

 _'Cause I cried my tears for three good years_

 _You can't be mad at me"_

Ella got to the floor first, moving in time right by the piano, with shoulders and stomps.

Maze and Carla held on to each other, tears streaming down their faces and choking.

Linda and Charlotte scrambled out on the floor to join Ella. Elliot crawled out too. "just want to dance."

 _"'Cause if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it._

 _If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it._

 _Don't be mad once you see that he want it._

 _If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it"_

Dozens of hands shot in the air.

Lucifer played on, looking around. "Are all my single ladies out on the floor? All right, chorus time!"

 _"Oh, oh, oh._

 _Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh._

 _Oh, oh, oh._

 _Oh, oh, oh._

 _Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh._

 _Oh, oh, oh._

He managed to work in hand gestures with the next verse.

 _"I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips._

 _Got me tighter than my Dereon jeans._

 _Acting up, drink in my cup._

 _I can care less what you think._

 _I need no permission, did I mention?_

 _Don't pay him any attention._

 _'Cause you had your turn, but now you gon' learn._

 _What it really feels like to miss me."_

Chloe was no longer functional. Between breaths, she gasped "Oh my God, I hope Dan is still here somewhere."

Maze had well and truly lost it, holding her ribs and breathing shallowly.

 _"'Cause if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it._

 _If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it._

 _Don't be mad once you see that he want it._

 _If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it."_

Carla wiped her face. "I'm going to ruin my mascara."

Maze patted her on the shoulder. "You can borrow some of Lucifers. He won't mind."

 _"Oh, oh, oh,_

 _Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh._

 _Oh, oh, oh,_

 _Oh, oh, oh,_

 _Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh._

 _Oh, oh, oh."_

"Laverne is going to hate me forever."

Maze wiped her eyes. "Why's that?"

"Because I have an entirely new opinion of the Devil now."

 _"Don't treat me to these things of the world._

 _I'm not that kind of girl._

 _Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve._

 _Here's a man that makes me then takes me,_

 _And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond_

 _Pull me into your arms,_

 _Say I'm the one you want._

 _If you don't, you'll be alone,_

 _And like a ghost I'll be gone"_

Ella had found the other really good dancers and got them in time with her.

 _"All the single ladies - Maze!"_

"Oh no, he didn't." Carla shoved Maze out of the booth.

 _"All the single ladies - Charlotte!"_

"I'm going to murder him."

 _"All the single ladies - Elliot!_ I'm running out of names here!"

Elliot drunk girl danced with Linda.

" _And our NOT single lady, who is getting married, Carla!"_

Carla pulled Chloe out last and danced with their group of women bouncing around the Lucifer and the piano.

 _"'Cause if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it_

 _If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it_

 _Don't be mad once you see that he want it_

 _If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it"_

He stopped with a flourish, resplendently not sweating in a sea of women swarming the floor.

Linda leaned hard on Ella, gasping for breath. "Never let me do anything that stupid ever again."

"Dude, that was a blast."

"You don't look like a flailing air tunnel creature when you dance. You actually look good!"

Their table had been cleared of empty drinks, with a new round of shots. A small sign said "None for Linda."

Linda saw the sign and moved to give Lucifer the finger.

Several girls dragged her down into the booth. "Noooooo.."

Maze hugged Linda around the shoulders. "We'll get you more drinks at the next place."

The last butt of their group had just touched the booth seats when the piano fired up again.

 _"A hot summer night, fell like a net._

 _I've gotta find my baby yet._

 _I need you, to soothe my head,_

 _And turn my blue heart to red."_

Carla groaned. "Oh no."

Ella jumped back up to dance some more.

 _"Doctor Doctor, gimme the news,_

 _I got a bad case of lovin' you._

 _No pill's gonna cure my ill._

 _I got a bad case of lovin' you."_

Chloe squeezed Carla's shoulder. "Hating him is half the fun, trust me."

 _"A pretty face don't make no pretty heart._

 _I learned that buddy from the start._

 _You think I'm cute, a little bit shy._

 _Mama, I ain't that kind of guy."_

Carla grinned. "Well, I've never had someone play it on an instrument just for me!"

 _"Doctor Doctor, gimme the news,_

 _I got a bad case of lovin' you._

 _No pill's gonna cure my ill._

 _I got a bad case of lovin' you."_

Half the table gone again, Linda stole a shot.

 _"I know you like it, you like it on top._

 _Tell me mamma, are you gonna stop?"_

 _"You had me down twenty-one to zip._

 _Smile of Judas on your lip,_

 _Shake my fist, knock on wood._

 _I got it bad, and I got it good."_

 _"Doctor Doctor, gimme the news,_

 _I got a bad case of lovin' you._

 _No pill's gonna cure my ill._

 _I got a bad case of lovin' you."_

The notes faded out, Lucifer still grinning like a cat.

Ella got back to the table last, she waited to see if Lucifer kept playing. They played a short game of him moving to get up and her starting and stopping back to the table. He relented, getting up to do some more rounds of the club.

The girls re-arraigned themselves, piling back in randomly. Carla ended up leaning against Chloe. "I like your friends. I'm really glad you came out, even though you and Dan split up. Hey, what did you do for your party? Do you remember?"

"Probably something dumb, like a male strip club. It must have involved a lot of drinking though because it's kind of a blur. I know for sure I didn't have this many women in my party. It was just me and a couple girls I went to college with. Jordan?"

"Oh, there were absolutely male strippers for my party. We bar-hopped most of the afternoon in penis regalia like a bunch of assholes. But it was fun. Anyone else married or divorced? Actually, is anyone at this table _married?"_

Charlotte, "Happily Divorced."

Linda shrugged, "Also divorced. Also much happier for it."

Carla took a drink. "This will be my first marriage, and hopefully only. When I met him, Turk didn't seem like marriage material, but he got his act together."

"Yeah?"

"He's still about as mature as any male can be, but he's great. He's thoughtful, and he's not a jock like some of the other surgeons."

Maze leaned on her elbow. "Any of them fun to mess around with?"

"Maze! I wouldn't know. Turk was the first surgeon I met that I actually liked."

Elliot snorted. "If you believe The Todd, he's had sex with every woman in the hospital."

"The?"

"It's his thing. He's an insensitive dick, but he held the title for best surgical resident for a long time. Turk came a long way since he started. Me, J.D and Turk came on at the same time, with other interns."

Ella, "We get interns from time to time, but I'm betting our burnout factor isn't as bad."

Jordan elbowed Linda, "Hey Linda, did you have a bachelorette party?"

"Nothing to speak of. We kind of eloped. Mistakes were made all around."

Carla poked her new friend in the ribs. "How about you, Maze?"

She snorted. "Nope and nope. I am not 'marriage material', by anyone's definition."

"Aw, I'm sure that's not true."

"Let's just say it's not in my genetic makeup. The only close relationship I've had in my life is technically Lucifer."

Linda cocked her head. "What about Amenadiel?"

Carla pulled her hair back. "Amena-who?"

Linda blushed into her drink. "Lucifer's brother. One of them. He's built."

Danni propped herself up out of her drink. "He has a brother?"

"He has, well, a pretty big family, actually."

Maze and Chloe snorted in unison.

Jordan crossed her arms. "I sense a story."

Chloe blinked at her drink. "It's a long, long story. Really long. Like, world history long."

Elliot put away the rest of her wine. "Is it bad?"

She brushed long bangs out of her face. "It's uhm, kind of a downer story, actually. We should save it for another time. Or let him tell it himself."

"Okay, no downer stories tonight! Hey, Carla, tell them about the 'lost and found' box."

Carla coughed into her drink. "Yeah, we don't have a 'lost and found' box. We have an 'ass box'."

Ella leaned forward on her elbows, grinning. "Is that what I think it is?"

"If you think it's a box of stuff that came out of patient asses, then you'd be right. Turk gave me a really nice metal pen out of that box, back when he thought it really was 'lost and found'. He fessed up and that was the first night we...uhm, had relations."

"That's one way to start a romance. Gifts from some else's ass."

She giggled. "He was honest about it. He could have never told me, and I wouldn't have known. It was a really sweet thought."

"So, what's the weirdest thing you found in the ass box?"

"That I found? Honey, I don't go digging in there. I've heard stories of lightbulbs, hairbrushes, keys - well, I guess the patient took the keys back, full water bottles, your garden variety of vegetables, pun intended."

Elliot pointed. "Oh, remember that time a patient came in with the end of a garden hose in his ass? He didn't think he could take it out himself, and he didn't think to cut off the other end, so he walked into the ER with 48 feet of garden hose on his arm."

The rest of the table looked appropriately horrified.

Ella blinked. "How do you remove a lightbulb from someone's ass? intact?"

Elliot, sensing the attention on her, grinned. "Well. sometimes you can just get tons of lube around and behind it, and it'll ease out. Muscle relaxers help too. But if it's got sucked in too deep, there's no other option but surgery. Turk could tell you some stories, for sure. People swallow the weirdest stuff too."

Carla cringed. "He has told me stories. You don't want to hear some of them."

Chloe raised an eyebrow. "Sucked in? The ass? Doesn't it usually go the other way?"

"Oh, yeah, totally, but the butt is greedy. If you put something up there without a solid stopper, it'll get lodged right up in there like a bunny in a harvester."

Everyone leaned away.

Oblivious, Elliot looked over. "Ella, you're in Forensics, right? You deal with dead bodies?"

"Usually at the crime scene yeah. It's interesting work." She shook her head, "Man, if those bodies could talk."

Chloe poked her and giggled. "You'd be out of a job."

"Ha. Yeah, I guess I would. Also, that would mean we have a zombie problem right? Talking dead bodies?"

"I've never seen a movie where zombies could still talk."

"Well, there's one. Ever seen _Warm Bodies?_ It was barely a horror flick. It's got some gross parts, but it's more dorky than anything else. But some zombies talk."

"Dan's probably seen it. I'm sure Lucifer hasn't. You guys watch much?"

Carla had another drink slipped under her fingers. "Thanks! Uhm. We watch a lot of reruns on cable. Our hours can be super crazy, so we don't always get out much to the movies."

"Police work runs over regular hours from time to time, but at least it's usually nine to five. Sometimes we have to work the weekends. At least we're rarely on-call."

Elliot nodded. "That was a nightmare our first year. Not only did we not have time for ourselves, but we were on-call all hours of the day. J.D. and Turk got in trouble one time because they were out partying during their backup on-call time. They haven't done it since. They got an ass reaming. Is your boss a dick?"

Chloe coughed. "Uhm. Lieutenant Pierce is.. Uhm"

Ella chimed in. "Really nice to look at."

"Ella!"

"Well, he is. You had a thing for him."

"It was just a crush. I bet half the precinct had a thing for him."

"Has, Decker, has."

Charlotte nodded. "He's hot."

Danni grumbled. "It sounds like your work is loaded with attractive men."

Ella and Chloe looked at each other. The scientist answered, "I guess it kinda is. Is that weird? Not you guys though?"

Jordan waved. "Nah, unattractive board members, old guys who run the place, and scrubby doctors who don't get enough sleep. Only the fresh ones are worth looking at, and they get worn to a nub pretty fast."

The crown behind them quieted a bit.

Strains of the piano picked up again.

 _"Run and tell all of the angels._

 _This could take all night._

 _Think I need a devil to help me._

 _Get things right."_

Chloe collapsed in helpless laughter.

 _"'Cause this one is a lie_

 _We sat around laughing_

 _And watch the last one die"_

Elliot poked Chloe in the shoulder. "You okay?"

"Now he's just messing with us."

Linda smirked.

 _"I'm looking to the sky to save me,_

 _Looking for a sign of life,_

 _Looking for something help me burn out bright."_

 _"I'm looking for a complication._

 _Looking 'cause I'm tired of trying._

 _Make my way back home,_

 _When I learn to fly."_

Chloe didn't sit up again until the song was over, dabbing her eyes. Linda cackled. "Sorry, it's an in-joke. Devil stuff."

Carla's eyes refocused. "Oh, the wing thing you guys were talking about?"

Danni looked back over at Lucifer. "Wings?"

"Goes back to that long story."

"What, does he cosplay?"

Linda and Chloe lost it again, leaning against each other. Chloe, being slightly less liquored up, recovered first. "Sorry, we should pick another subject that isn't Lucifer related."

Jordan coughed. "Right, do you think he good in bed too, Chloe?"

Chloe sputtered, "Something NOT-Lucifer related."

"Oh, so he is. C'mon, you don't want to brag?"

Chloe's eyes started to drift off. She shook herself. "Uhm. He has a well-earned reputation. How about Perry?"

"Eh, he's alright. He lets me lead, and he can take direction, which suits me. Do you lead, Chloe or are you still in the young, lustful stage where it's all flailing limbs?"

She went red. "A little of both?"

Carla twitched. "Hey, who needs another drink?"

Elliot added, "J.D. is enthusiastic."

The Detective grinned. "Flailing limbs, huh?"

Lucifer started up another song, slower.

 _"Slow down, lie down,_

 _Remember it's just you and me._

 _Don't sell out, bow out._

 _Remember how this used to be."_

 _"I just want you closer,_

 _Is that alright?_

 _Baby let's get closer tonight."_

 _"Grant my last request,_

 _And just let me hold you._

 _Don't shrug your shoulders,_

 _Lay down beside me._

 _Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere,_

 _But one last time just go there._

 _Lay down beside me."_

Carla swayed in her seat. "Does Lucifer sing for you? Uhm. Or Dan?"

"Me. He's got a piano up in his penthouse too."

Jordan had a number of empty shot glasses now. "So he really does have a penthouse?"

Chloe pointed up. "Yuuuup. Five floors, straight up. The shower is the size of a barn."

 _"Oh, I've found, that I'm bound,_

 _To wander down that one-way road._

 _Oh, and I realize all about your lies,_

 _But I'm no wiser than the fool I was before."_

Elliot moaned. "Oh, lucky."

Maze sighed. "If there's one thing you humans do right, it's hot running water."

"How's that?"

"Hell doesn't have indoor plumbing." She looked at the bottom of her glass. "I should probably cut myself off."

 _"I just want you closer,_

 _Is that alright?_

 _Baby let's get closer tonight."_

 _"Grant my last request,_

 _And just let me hold you._

 _Don't shrug your shoulders,_

 _Lay down beside me._

 _Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere,_

 _But one last time just go there._

 _Lay down beside me."_

Elliot craned her neck over the back of the booth. "Hey, can we see the penthouse?"

Maze held a finger up. "And miss Karaoke and the potential to get kicked out of another bar? Not on your life."

"Ohhh, right, karaoke."

Lucifer repeated the chorus and trailed off again.

Charlotte down her last shot. "So, think we can cram nine women on one stage and sing _Don't Stop Believing_?"

"There's only one way to find out."


End file.
